Entering the dating scene after marriage for almost the entire past 53 years, albeit to three partners, was a disquieting experience.
I obviously enjoyed being married and wondered if I would have another relationship. I definitely wanted to have the experience of a relationship, but just knowing where to begin and how to start was daunting.
Where would I meet people? Was the online dating scene appropriate for me? I know I’m not the only one among our SSVMS membership who has been widowed or divorced later in life, so here are some insights and advice for seniors navigating the online dating world based on my own experiences and research.
In a world reshaped by the COVID-19 pandemic, the pursuit of love and connection has witnessed a digital renaissance — particularly among senior citizens. As in-person encounters have become rarer, the virtual realm blossoms with new opportunities. Once perceived as solely for younger generations, senior online dating has burgeoned into a surprisingly vibrant and dynamic space. Just as every profound relationship begins with a modest “Hi,” senior daters are discovering that age is but a number in the world of digital romance.
Senior singles often find themselves with many married friends, and online dating helps them find other singles outside their friend group. The odds of serendipitously finding love for those over 60 is less than two per thousand, but active searching dramatically improves those chances.
The rate of people ages 55 to 64 using dating sites and apps doubled between 2013 and 2016, according to a Pew Research report. In 2019, 13 percent of people 65 and older visited online sites to find love, compared to 48 percent of those aged 18 to 29.
While it is more common for mature adults than it used to be to join online dating sites in hopes of meeting someone, it can still feel intimidating or overwhelming. But having a little more information can make it not quite so unnerving.
Online dating isn't a novel concept; I sampled it in the 1980s. Then, it was all about tech aficionados mingling in DOS systems, and by the '90s, chat rooms were the places to find love. But fast forward to now and it's an expansive and polished arena with sites tailored to every individual's needs. These platforms tend to share only a few corporate owners, but the individual sites of each business cater to specific audiences.
To illustrate, consider the ownership structures of popular platforms. My apologies that the following paragraph reads like biblical begats.
MatchGroup owns Tinder, Hinge, Match, Meetic, OkCupid, Pairs, Plenty of Fish, and other lesser-known brands. ParshipMeet Group owns the eharmony, MeetMe, LOVOO GmbH, Tagged, GROWLr, and ElitePartner sites and more. Spark Networks brands include Zoosk, SilverSingles, EliteSingles, Jdate, ChristianMingle, AdventistSingles, LDSSingles, etc. Blackstone owns Bumble and Badoo.
I will not go on; there are many more sites, some independent of the dominant romance conglomerates, each catering to various specific preferences, whether religion, interests, age, marital status, or gender identity.
A 50-something single female friend described Tinder nowadays as a s**t show.
I have a few observations about these sites. Some, like eharmony, are designed for individuals to meet their perfect long-term someone. Others, like Tinder, seem more directed to hook-ups or one-nighters. In fairness, I know some very successful partnerships and marriages that began on Tinder. Nevertheless, a 50-something single female friend described Tinder nowadays as a “s**t show."
When referencing Tinder, men have mentioned “inappropriate matches.” (One explained that Tinder attracts an endless list of high-priced call girls in the feed.)
You'll find on many sites that while people should present themselves in their best light, they choose terrible photos. Some will not use pictures at all; I avoid photo-less profiles and ones with pseudonyms in place of first names, but that's a personal preference. Naming yourself after a 1960s television cartoon character seems creepy: some people have pictures of a much younger self, like 10-15 (or more) years ago, as the primary image on their profile.
Still, in fairness, most post more recent age-appropriate images. But at the other extreme, guys have mentioned that some women whose online profiles seem OK have shown up for dates with unkempt hair, in pajamas, and filthy slippers.
Choosing a site that aligns with one's goals and comfort level is always helpful within the limitations of online matching. Disappoints are still possible, but alignment with one's beliefs and values makes better chemistry more likely to happen.
I am a cis-gendered heterosexual widowed senior woman, so the following observations are from that perspective.
While I consider myself presentable and genuine, dating was challenging. From the outset, I no longer wished for relationships where I would need to be the “nurse and the purse.” Many seniors are frightened of losing freedom and financial independence.
I was healing from personal tragedies when I began my online journey. My late husband battled both Alzheimer's and cancer, an exhausting experience that left me in a difficult financial situation and fairly depressed state. However, dating became therapeutic, teaching me self-worth and resilience.
I found solace with time, introspection, and some terrific experiences, like a date who showed me the allure of Old Sacramento on Christmas Eve. While he wasn't "the one," he was a gem, teaching me to relish the dating process. He aimed to have a memorable occasion with every date without expecting more. He also taught me the value of patience or, as he said, if there aren’t any perfect matches now, "Wait three months and another 10,000 people will have joined the site and maybe then…"
I've acquired valuable insights on various subjects and realized that dating can be pretty enjoyable with a positive outlook! Through my journey, I found camaraderie and invaluable advice. I am in a good place now, and a guy who met the frightened, miserable person I was is pleased that I'm more joyful and confident.
I sought guidance from younger friends when I embarked on my current online dating journey. The assistance of a trusted family member or friend, preferably a younger friend with online dating experience, can be a big help when you start with digital dating. My young friends directed me to established platforms like eharmony.com and Match.com.
What's great about these sites is that they encourage detailed profiles and, as a result, more genuine connections. But, a note of caution: authenticity is crucial. Also remember to be kind to yourself and be patient. It can take time.
Just like with almost everything on the internet, some cautionary advice is important.
As with any online platform, some participants may exaggerate or misrepresent. However, trust your instincts and, when in doubt, verify for safety. If you feel uncomfortable, leave.
Most dating sites have good advice for safety precautions that are worth following. Safety in meeting strangers is paramount. Meeting in public venues in daylight and avoiding drugs and alcohol on first dates are sound principles. Have a safety buddy who knows who you are meeting, when, and where, with a plan for check-in at a specific time.
There are liars. Some are only lying about their age (that will get you banned from some sites), some stretch the truth, and a few are catfishing. I've found it best to be reasonably skeptical and use sources like BeenVerified and LinkedIn to authenticate people.
Like it or not, seniors are targets for scammers. Beware of people overseas who are “traveling” or who cannot make phone calls or video chats. And always watch out for sob stories.
Conversational carefulness is essential. Do not give personal financial identification information to people, like Social Security numbers, nor loan them money. However, the valuable advice on finances, construction, and business matters I have received was something I had not expected when I began dating. And yes, I run everything past my tax attorney.
I think it’s worthwhile to comment on the unexpected experiences I had on my dates with senior physicians…
Although I've had many delightful dates, I did encounter a few surprising ones, particularly with some physicians. I am a retired physician myself, and I think it’s worthwhile to comment on the unexpected experiences I had on my dates with senior physicians. While my opinion is based on a sparse sample size and not likely representative of most of my dear physician readers, nobody asked me to be objective in this essay.
These encounters frequently seemed misogynistic. For some reason, these men were fixated on the financial aspects of dating, leaving me pondering broader societal norms and expectations. They insisted on us dividing the bill and expressed worry about women only being after their money and prestige. However, they had no problem with making a point of their net worth (which, even if they were to squeak into the top financial 2% of the U.S. population, would still not match that of some of my non-physician dates). I believe one even wanted to sound gracious by offering that he didn't want women to feel obligated to have sex with him because he paid for their $30 lunch. Really? No other successful guy I met, or even an unsuccessful one, has been so parsimonious about dating.
I told the young women who had recommended the online dating sites that I am all for equality and that sharing the cost of a date seems reasonable. Still, she advised, “That's for later,” and told me I needed to remember the “girl tax,” sometimes called the “pink tax.” While technically illegal in California, it is still evident in the prices of clothing and hair salons and less prominent in other consumer products like make-up, perfume, skincare items, and other pricey commodities. When I mentioned the “girl tax,” one doc flat out told me that was the lot assigned to me as a woman.
Another MD was significantly overweight but told me on a first date that he was relieved I looked as good as I did. A woman equally heavy as he or carrying modest extra weight who'd had children might have a flabby gut, which was too off-putting for him. He can think that, but while I appreciate honesty, voicing this was a bit TMI. As an '80s Valley Girl would say, “Gag me with a spoon.”
We can always get a tummy tuck or liposuction if we wish, but there are no quick fixes for these out-of-touch men.
I've always felt that the intensity of medical school at a young age stunts some of our emotional maturity, but these guys need a pacifier! No other men besides the physicians have been so ungracious or openly superficial. If you’re a male physician that’s going online for a relationship, an objective evaluation of your attitude might be a good first step.
Today, I have a beautiful bond with someone I met on Match.com. It's a mélange of friendship, sharing of dreams, moments of pure joy, and the easy sweetness of being. While it doesn't fit a conventional relationship definition (my 20-something friends tell me it's a “situation-ship”), it's ours, built on understanding, mutual respect, and cherishing the simple moments. The future remains uncertain, but we honor the present and our bond.
Rather than referring to our past as “baggage,” it is more constructive to view it as “experience.”
Seniors may be as eager as younger people to start conventional relationships, cohabitate, and consider marriage. Still, alternative routes may sometimes be more suitable. Seniors venturing into the dating world often find themselves in recently changed life situations due to death, divorce, starting a new career after retirement, experiencing an empty nest, or having an adult child return home. Adjusting to these changes requires time and can make transitioning into a traditional relationship challenging. Past wounds can hinder trust, and deeply ingrained perceptions of how relationships should work need to be addressed if partners come from significantly different backgrounds and lifestyles, as this can make spending time together or sharing a living space challenging.
Rather than referring to our past as “baggage," it is more constructive to view it as “experience,” as suggested by a psychiatrist friend with years of practice. While our past can inform our future, it need not dictate the path. For those hesitant about entering new relationships, it is crucial to recognize that exploring new and unconventional ways can be as fulfilling and rewarding as any other approach.
In summary, dating is a roller coaster filled with ups and downs, especially in the golden years. It's an experience of self-discovery, connection, and cherished memories. Remember that age is no barrier to new experiences and self-discovery. So, for those considering this journey, embrace the adventure and delight in the moments along the way — and try online sites. Age is no barrier to love. Happy dating!
